The Scrapbooking or Football Dilemma

Posted May 4th, 2010 at 4:14 pm in Crafty Man

: Image via Wikipedia

Scrapbooking is a Great Craft

Just not my personal choice of craft. You see, what a lot of people don't know about me is that I am a Vietnam vet disabled Marine. I get a real kick out of smashing tile and tesserae into little pieces, gluing the bits on things and calling it mosaic art.

I only mention the marine thing so that you understand that no one can say I am less of a man because I prefer playing with glass to watching football. I have played football and it effing hurts!

My wife is just sooo possessive of my time she can hardly bear the thought of my absence – even for a few hours. That’s what I tell my sports nut buddies but truth be told I am married to the most understanding wife ever to come down the pike. So, for the present time anyway, my once monthly, one -quarter appearance during football season is sufficient (at least for now) to convince them that I am still one of the boys.

I’m truly sorry to blame my wife for my lack of sports enthusiasm but being the coward that I am I would rather have them think poorly of her than discover the awful truth – and risk being tossed into the loony bin just because I prefer to spend my time with a fun craft project than take part in the mass hysteria that takes place jusdown the street in a dark, smoke- filled cavern. There, amongst the spectral light of wall to wall big screen TV's, faces lit by a blue tinted light, purple lips depicting ghastly caricatures of the grinning faces of my sports fanatic friends – depending on the score, of course!

During a recent, rare appearance at the local pub during some game or the other, showing up to pacify a friend, (I can’t remember who was playing) I was enjoying a commercial break in the action, sipping on a cold one when my friend started in on me again with histheir good natured ribbing that I suspect is designed to wear me down and shame me into becoming a more regular sports bar patron. As I have many times before, I put on a long face, shrug my shoulders and patiently explain once again about how I will have to (gulp!), check with the wife. As I utter those words my posture consciously slumps into that of the total submissive which of course is designed to make them feel superior but it also helps that the attention span of a true sports nut is about two clicks below a two year-old. They can’t help it, sports bars are not doing their job unless the senses are stimulated, all of them, at once!

Forgetting for a moment the female factor where any girl sports fanatic, especially a good looking girl sports fanatic, always commands attention. There are just a few other stimuli that can generally prevent meaningful conversation; the combined smell of French fries in hot oil, stale beer, old cigarette smoke, and visually, the hypnotic, strobe- like effects of the TV’s and a multitude of screaming sports announcers at high decibels are all designed to grab your attention. Throw in a couple of good looking waitresses and well, you get the picture.